From the Thesis

More from the thesis. This, on Inwardness.
The reason why the world lacks unity, and lies broken and in heaps, is, because man is disunited with himself. – Nature[1]

Emerson argues that spirituality finds its initial direction in the path toward inwardness. He suggests inwardness to be “an awareness of and reverence for the unique processes of thought, perception, intuition, and emotional response that define our experience.”[2] In this first principle, Emerson teaches that each individual finds him/herself as a part of God through complete surrender of the ego. Perfection is found in the complete acceptance one's true nature: “These roses under my window make no reference to former roses or to better ones; they are for what they are; they exist with God to-day. There is no time to them. There is simply the rose; it is perfect in every moment of its existence.”[3] He teaches that what the mind blots, the heart knows, but that hearing the heart—the genius—is only possible through this first step of inwardness. Emerson teaches that you find your power in experiencing inwardness in the present moment. “Life only avails, not the having lived. Power ceases in the instant of repose; it resides in the moment of transition from a past to a new state, in the shooting of the gulf, in the darting to an aim.”[4] The outspread purpose of inwardness is to cultivate self-awareness and self-confidence; both are shaped by an underlying humility.


[1] Emerson, Ralph Waldo. “Nature.” The Spiritual Emerson: Essential Writings, ed. David M. Robinson (Boston: Beacon Press, 2003), 60.
[2] Robinson, David M. The Spiritual Emerson: Essential Writings (Beacon Press, 2003), 2.
[3] Emerson, Ralph Waldo. “Self-Reliance.” The Spiritual Emerson: Essential Writings, ed. David M. Robinson (Boston: Beacon Press, 2003), 97.
[4] Ibid., pg. 98.

Clearing space

I think, nearing 30 is about recognizing what it is I want as it is true to my real yearning, not what any other thing, source, person, etc. wants.  As Emerson would say something like, 'to not substitute external source of wisdom for one's inner wisdom.' Not to put wisdom and wanting things in an apples to apples comparison- but trusting what resonates with you, versus what you think should resonate with you, in terms of things.

I am also becoming more sentimental, but being an empathetic, that's been pretty par for the course. For years I think that only convoluted my thought process at times about what 'things' I want.  Personally, a beautiful one of these is much more attractive than a watch that costs the same amount as a small vehicle; a pair of these more than a pair of these. It is simply a personal preference. 

A few months ago I began taking pictures of things in my little world that I am grateful for.  And probably not coincidentally, I began a slow but steady de-cluttering process of our house.  Elminiating plastic, paring down our wardrobes, organizing paper bins and letting go of any chotchky that didn't have sentimental value. As I've been clearing space, I am learning that we actually have so much, and could live on less. And we live frugally, simply. 

So I've been taking pictures of things around our house that I find beautiful. That resonate with what I like, what I love. In doing so, I'm finding a lot more around this house that feels right to have. More than I could have presumed. 

Changes

We did it.  I left my part-time job at OSU, Fisher College of Business.  This is one big step towards our family living how we intend to live. So I'll be going from part-time this:

to full-time this:

even though the new full-time this was always the true full-time this in my heart and soul.

Why now? It was always there, and always meant to happen.  Because Andy had just taken a great opportunity for employment with a new organization when Nate was born, we couldn't risk not having the health insurance coverage with Nate. Then, when Andy was eligible to put us on his company's plan, I would leave.  When that time came around, we realized I was very close to having put in almost enough time to be considered 'vested' for the retirement program at OSU (it will pay off).  So, we decided I would continue working part-time to attain that status.  When that status was acquired, I would leave.  And I did. And I could. not. be. happier.  My last day was today, Valentine's Day. Day of love. Fitting.

The university has been very good to me over the years, and if I ever do return to working for an organization outside of the home, I suspect it will be in higher ed.  I already know it will be bittersweet to visit campus again.  The people, this history, my personal history. 

But now my life is 100% my family people and my family history.  It always has been, but I can authentically say, through thought and action, that my responsibilities are solely to making this home and nurturing this family.  This is who I am. Some people weren't too pleased with my decision- we live in a me-centered society where it can be looked down upon when a woman doesn't work outside of the home.  But that wasn't bringing me happiness. Not the kind of true lasting happiness that I'll remember when I'm older.  

So, cheers.  To this.  My life.